DEAR DEIDRE: I’M having the best sex of my life with my handyman secret lover – and my home has never looked better. I know I should feel guilty but if my partner had just done more around the place, perhaps things wouldn’t have come to this.
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. I’m 34, he’s 40. I’m a beauty therapist and he’s a supermarket manager.
He’s a responsible man at work. But as soon as he comes home, he seems to think he’s on his holidays. If anything breaks, he won’t touch it.
I bought him an expensive drill one Christmas and he returned it for a footie season ticket.
He doesn’t touch me either.
Our dishwasher has been broken for six months and I was sick of washing up by hand so I finally snapped and called a local handyman.
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I expected an old man covered in grease stains. The man who turned up was tall, wearing a neat uniform, and very chatty. He explained he’d taken over from his dad.
Within hours, he’d taken over from my husband too.
I didn’t mean to flirt with him, but he was so kind and helpful. He quickly fixed the dishwasher so I showed him some other jobs that needed doing.
We kept chatting and, unlike my partner who’s usually distracted by his phone or the TV, my workman hung on my every word.
Eventually, he asked me if anything else needed looking at, and his eyes quickly flashed over my body. It was a muggy day so I was only wearing a light dress.
I don’t know how it happened but within minutes his very capable hands were scratching the skin under my clothes, and we were on the floor.
Afterwards, I waited for guilt to wash over me – it never did.
When my partner called me to say he was going out straight from work with his colleagues, I didn’t moan like usual. Instead, I texted my DIY man to thank him for a wonderful afternoon.
He replied immediately, saying he had some slots free the following week if I needed him.
That second meeting was even more exciting than the first. He walked in and, without saying a word, lifted me up onto the kitchen worktop and went down on me.
We now see each other two or three times a week. My partner hasn’t noticed a thing, except to say it’s good that I’ve stopped nagging him as much.
I still don’t feel bad. This isn’t my fault – is it?
DEIDRE SAYS: You feel neglected by your partner, but let’s be clear, it’s your choice to cheat. You’ve distracted yourself from what’s going wrong inside your relationship with a fling.
The side show won’t last.
You and your partner both seem to be avoiding intimacy with each other. He’s avoiding physical intimacy, and you’re avoiding emotional intimacy.
Unless you start talking to your partner about how and why you feel neglected, things will not improve.
Explain, you can’t continue feeling rejected and you want to reconnect with him.
My support pack Looking After Your Relationship has lots of tips and advice on improving communication.
You’re enjoying all the excitement and risk that comes with an affair. Added to which your very capable handyman makes you feel desirable and seen.
It’s easy to let the effort drop in a long term relationship and many men feel if they are providing financially that’s enough. But a long relationship requires regular effort and affection as well.
Cut off this fling, and sit your partner down for an honest chat about what you want. Draw up a list of everything that needs to be done, and see if you can share it in a fair way.
Be honest with your boyfriend and let him know how unhappy you have been. Explain you need to see changes and treat this as a fresh start.
If you can’t work things out together, then carefully consider if this relationship has run its course. But make sure you end things properly before contemplating any other ‘odd jobs’.
Dear Deidre’s Infidelity Issues
From hidden flings to messy betrayals, cheating stories regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One woman is involved in an intense affair with her child’s teacher, torn between the passion of a secret romance and maintaining her family life.
Another reader admits to repeatedly cheating on her loving boyfriend, compelled by a need for attention and desire, while living a seemingly normal relationship.
And a third man’s married double life came crashing down when his mother discovered he had been secretly paying for escorts.
WHAT ARE THE SEXIEST JOBS?
Your job could have more of an impact on your dating appeal than you realise.
Tinder’s UK data suggests we are more likely to swipe right for people in jobs we find attractive, with some careers proving to be bigger turn-ons than others.
FOR MEN
The top 10 most right-swiped professions were:
- Lawyer
- Actor
- Creative director
- Flight attendant
- Journalist
- Entrepreneur/CEO
- Architect
- Personal trainer
- Teacher
- Doctor
FOR WOMEN
The professions most likely to get a right-swipe were:
- Teacher
- Dentist
- Speech pathologist
- Interior designer
- Event planner
- Lawyer
- Estate agent
- Personal trainer
- Registered nurse
- Journalist