IF the Sussexes thought their 5,000- mile move back to the UK might help mend family fractures, it appears the emotional distance has remained unchanged.
For it’s been less than a fortnight since the wheels of their PJ touched down at Birmingham airport, and already it’s kicked off.
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On Monday, the King sent a letter to various senior officials making it clear that Harry and Meghan remain firmly outside the royal fold, should be treated as “private citizens”, are unable to use the title of HRH, and should not have any public money spent on them.
In a bid to perhaps try to soften the impact of this bluntly direct and highly public missive, a Palace source let it be known that the Sussex camp had been warned of its contents in advance.
Not so, the couple countered yesterday, making it clear they were “surprised” by it.
Their camp has also expressed concern about the timing because, yesterday, the Home Office committee responsible for whether Harry and his family will get royal security reportedly met.
All of which appears to suggest that any thoughts of there being a welcome in the hillsides of Balmoral etc are rather wide of the mark.
So where does that leave Harry and Meghan? On Monday, he was shown at his first official outing since arriving back here, described by some as a “pseudo-royal engagement”.
And therein lies the problem for Buckingham Palace.
For however many times they say that Harry isn’t a “working royal”, his status as a member of the Royal Family remains unchanged and certain charities/events/brands will want to tap into that.
Why else was he posing for cameras while signing a mural at Tower Bridge Studios on Monday?
Not because he’s Harry Windsor of OX7 or whatever Cotswolds postcode they’ve settled in, but because he’s still — and always will be — the King’s son.
And in commercial terms, that gives him a sprinkling of royal stardust that no amount of sternly worded letters from the King can remove.
So fasten your seatbelts folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Every appearance the Sussexes make will be viewed through a royal prism, every speech will be scrutinised for some coded reference to his family, and every disagreement with the Palace (trust me, there’ll be plenty more) will simply fuel publicity for whatever brand is paying them to turn up to an event.
It was the same when they lived in La La Land, but the distance and time difference slightly muted the jarring awkwardness of it all.
But now we have the curious spectacle of a prince doing things around the UK that look remarkably like the work of a prince, while the Palace reminds everyone that he isn’t there as a “working” prince on behalf of the King.
Harry and Meghan’s return to these shores was always going to test whether the wounds of the past six years had healed sufficiently for some sort of rapprochement.
Less than a fortnight in to this, er, brave new world, it appears that while the location of the soap opera may have changed, the script remains unchanged.
Beauty and brains…of a politician
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FRANCE was considered one of the favourites to win this year’s Miss World contest.
But 21-year-old Indira Ampiot (I can’t tell you the number of times my auto-correct tried to write “Indian armpit”) didn’t even make the final six after she struggled with her English in the interview and speech round.
When Ms Ampiot, who is from the French-Caribbean island of Guadeloupe, was asked what she personally could contribute, she gave an answer about why her country was in the EU despite not being in Europe.
Consequently, commentators said her linguistic performance ruined her chances.
Still, every cloud.
Her skill at avoiding the question and saying something completely different means she’d make an excellent politician.
GEORGE CLOO’D UP NOW
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GEORGE CLOONEY was all smiles after being honoured with the prestigious Golden Lion award at the Venice Film Festival.
He even joked around with photographers, handing one his trophy and grabbing their camera to take a snap.
Compare and contrast this jolliness with 29 years ago when, following the death of Princess Diana at the hands of a speeding drink driver, Clooney held a press conference and referred to the paparazzi as reckless “bounty hunters”.
The following month, he arrived at the premiere of his film The Peacemaker and all the photographers collectively dropped their cameras and booed him instead.
One explained: “We boycotted him to show that we have some restraint and that we’re not a bunch of idiots running around with cameras and causing accidents.”
A media boycott, of course, is career suicide for any celebrity wishing to publicise their new movie/record/product etc.
So nice to see that now he’s older, George has clearly wised up.
OWEN’S RIGHT
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FORMER England striker Michael Owen has taken a lot of heat online (yawn) for saying that he “never, ever” tells his children he loves them.
“I just assume my actions would show them that I love them,” he mitigates.
If it’s a choice between the two, a child would much rather have a parent that shows their love by being present and engaged in their life than one who scatters “I love yous” to all and sundry like confetti but fails to show up to school events.
Michael’s 20-year-old son James is clinically blind, and his father once said: “If I could give him my eyes . . . I would.”
If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.
TESS ’N’ VERNON O-KAY
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WHEN celebrity couples break up, it’s common for them to issue a statement about how they continue to respect each other and plan to remain friends.
Then, in some cases, the details of their extremely hostile divorce battle hits the headlines.
When they split up four months ago, Tess Daly and Vernon Kay also pledged to remain “great friends” and “fully committed to our roles as loving and supportive parents”.’
And judging by this happy photo of them on holiday with their two daughters, they mean it.
So congratulations to them for showing that, while a divorce is always sad, it doesn’t have to be toxically painful.
TV presenter Richard Hammond has bought a palatial pile in Wales set in 23 acres.
But the discovery of bats in his belfry (or wherever) has currently stalled his plans to upgrade it.
Still, as he paid £1.99million for it, there’s some good news too.
He won’t be stung for Labour’s rumoured “mansion tax” on any house worth over £2million, however large or (if you live in London) small.
SAFETY LAST . . .
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IF at first you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you.
But luckily for experienced parachutist Holly Wiffen, she lived to tell the tale after being knocked unconscious on a 10,000ft jump and coming to in time to deploy her emergency chute.
It slowed her down enough that she sustained just a broken leg and fractured spine.
And now she can’t wait to get back up there again.
“Knitting or stamp collecting isn’t for me,” says the 35-year-old from Devon.
Maybe not, but they’re a hell of a lot safer.
THE SAS is struggling to recruit because soldiers fear being prosecuted.
With legal investigations ongoing over the elite squad’s actions in Northern Ireland and Afghanistan, who can blame them for feeling it’s a case of Who Dares Loses?
Why put your life on the line for your country in war when your country might throw you under a bus at a later date?