DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancé is a better man than my ex. He has a bigger heart and a much bigger personality.
So why do I keep comparing his average-sized manhood to my ex’s nine-inch monster?
I’m 34. Five years ago, I had an on-off relationship with a younger man I met online. We had nothing in common — I’m bookish, he was a DJ — but the sex was incredible.
I put a lot of this down to his extremely large penis. It wasn’t just long, it was wide too, and the sensations it gave me during sex were like nothing I’ve felt before or since.
The rest of the relationship was awful. He was lazy and inconsistent, and often failed to follow through on promises.
He rarely took me out anywhere decent, and our dates mostly consisted of me travelling across town to meet him in his seedy bedsit to have sex.
Eventually, I caught him cheating on me so I dumped him, and last year I met my fiancé.
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My fiancé is a much nicer man. He’s successful, generous, and right away he took me to lovely restaurants and hotels. We had sex on our sixth date, on a spa weekend away.
We’d spent the day having massages and saunas, and I was so aroused when we finally went back to our four-poster bed. But my excitement turned to dismay when he opened his bathrobe to reveal a very small erection.
I hoped it might feel better than it looked in action, but I barely knew he was there. It was all over rapidly, too. As I lay in bed twitching with frustration, I couldn’t help but think back to my ex.
I fell in love with my fiancé. He eventually confided to me that he was worried about his size.
I reassured him that it was fine, but I was lying. And even though he uses other techniques to satisfy me, my mind often wanders back to my ex.
My fiancé proposed on Valentine’s Day and he’s keen to start arranging our wedding. But I’m not sure I can commit to a man with such a small penis. I don’t know if I could stay faithful.
I even feel like I’m cheating already, thinking about my ex while making love to my fiancé.
DEIDRE SAYS: The average erect penis measures 4.6” to 6” long, with a girth between 3.9” to 5.2”. Even though many men worry about their size, I actually receive more problems about large penises than small ones.
If your fiancé is too small for you to be able to enjoy satisfying sex, that needs addressing before you get married.
There are lots of ways to tackle this. You could swap to deeper positions (like Doggy Style, or Girl On Top) that will maximise your sensations.
Smaller penises can also be more sensitive than larger ones, which is why sex is disappointingly quick.
Your fiance might benefit from using techniques that slow down his arousal (like wearing condoms, or applying a numbing cream) so you can have sex for longer.
You can also try techniques to help you climax faster, like using your hands on yourself for more stimulation.
My support pack, Penis Size, has more tips and advice.
Long-term, characteristics like personality and kindness matter far more than genitals. But satisfying sex is the bedrock of relationships.
It is unfair to your fiancé – and to yourself – to go ahead with a wedding when you are struggling sexually.
Talk about the issue openly and with kindness. See if he has suggestions on how you can both enjoy yourselves more in bed.
Whatever you decide to do, I wouldn’t go back to your ex. He has shown himself to be unfaithful and lazy. Once the excitement of the sex wears off, you’ll be unsatisfied with him too.
Dear Deidre’s Penis Problems
From bedroom insecurities to worries about being big enough, penis-size concerns regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One man admitted his obsession with porn featuring well-endowed men had left him questioning his sexuality.
Another reader revealed his wife’s comments about his size had knocked his confidence so badly that he agreed to try swinging.
And a third man was left struggling with his confidence in bed after his cruel ex-girlfriend mocked the size of his penis.
PENIS SIZE: DOES IT MATTER?
For many men, worrying about penis size can become a huge source of worry and insecurity. But how much does size actually vary, and what counts as normal?
WHEN SOFT
Most penises measure around 5cm (2in) long, with a girth of 9–10cm (3.5–3.9in).
And soft size can be particularly misleading. Some penises change dramatically when erect, while others look much bigger when flaccid but increase less in size.
WHEN ERECT
Most range from 11.5cm (4.6in) to 15cm (nearly 6in) long, with a girth of 10–13cm (3.9–5.2in).
There is no single “ideal” size. What looks small compared with one man can be completely normal for another.
WHY DO MEN WORRY?
Around 45 per cent of men believe they have a small penis.
Comparisons can make those worries worse, particularly when men judge themselves against porn or other unrealistic images.
DOES BIGGER MEAN BETTER?
Not necessarily. Penis size is only one part of sex and does not determine how good someone is in bed. Communication, confidence, arousal and having an understanding of what your partner enjoys can all matter far more.