Advertisement

You have reached your maximum number of saved items.

Remove items from your saved list to add more.

Over the past few years, Em Rusciano ended her marriage, re-entered the dating world in her mid-40s, re-built her life as a single parent – and began questioning the stories women are told about love, identity and success.

“My whole life, I was conditioned to believe I wasn’t a successful woman until I was chosen,” says the comedian, singer, author and podcaster, who will tour her new live show, Addicted to Love, in September. “Not just chosen by romantic partners but chosen by my friends, my parents, the workplace and the public. And ironically, my job involves having people choose me over and over again.”

Rusciano and her ex-partner were together for 25 years. Naturally, the end of any long-term relationship involves some degree of pain, upheaval and uncertainty.

“But it wasn’t a failure, it was just an ending,” she says. “We have three beautiful kids, we’re still great friends and we’re going to be in each other’s lives forever.

“Often, women get to midlife and our estrogen, which is the nurturing hormone, is leaving our bodies. We look at our lives and we’re like, ‘Jesus Christ, I don’t want this any more! I don’t want to be a martyr; I don’t want to be the chef, the cook, the cleaner, the psychologist, the chauffeur, the organiser, the curator, the organiser. I’m exhausted and I’ve got nothing left for myself.’ And we get to that point too often and too late. If I can grab the 20-year-olds and 30-year-olds – and if I can teach men to take on more of the load – I think that will help those coming up behind me.

“Women are told you’ve got to sacrifice everything and set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm; that you can contort yourself into lots of different shapes so that you are the one who is chosen. And I really interrogated that idea while writing this show.”

Advertisement

Worst habit?

Convincing myself I’ll remember something without writing it down. Once, I stranded my entire family in Italy because, in my brain, I knew the flight left at 9am on Tuesday and I didn’t need to check. But it was 9pm [the day prior] and we missed the flights completely and had to stay at the airport. This is an example of the ADHD tax, and it happens to me weekly. I can talk to you about Britney Spears’ emotional breakdown in 2007, or who the queens were on season six of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, but I couldn’t tell you where my keys are. I don’t choose which facts my brain remembers.

I’m also impatient – and I blame my tiny, Italian, constantly-in-motion father, Vincie. I had about three seconds to master any skill, from tying my shoelaces to welding something onto a car. If I didn’t, he’d say, “Get out of the way, I’ll do it!”

“I used to believe that parts of me were broken; that I was a lesser human.”Em Rusciano

Greatest fear?

Being misunderstood – not by people who know me; they know I’m quite blunt but well-meaning. But my whole life, I’ve been haunted by people thinking they know what I’m saying, or making assumptions about me from a snippet or a line [from something I’ve said publicly]. That’s why I’m an over-sharer; I think that if I string enough of the right words together, a person will change their mind about me.

The older I get, the more I learn that clarity is my responsibility but how someone interprets me isn’t. Part of being autistic is justice sensitivity: if you feel there’s a wrong being done, it physically hurts until you can make it right.

Advertisement

The line that has stayed with you?

Until a week ago, I would have said Dolly Parton’s character [Truvy Jones] in Steel Magnolias saying: “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” But I was watching a video from Sam Neill and he said something very simple: “Spiral up, because so much of society is spiralling down at the moment.” When I heard that, it did something to me. I’m financing this tour for the first time in my life and there’s been a lot of worry and sleepless nights, and then I remembered Sam and thought, “What if the people who have supported you for the past 20 years do come? What if I trust in that and stop worrying about ticket sales?”

Biggest regret?

After Australian Idol [Rusciano competed in season two of the TV talent contest], we flew to Sydney to do a cast recording. But it was the same day that Blade: Trinity premiered; I was so focused on being on time to the red carpet that I just phoned in my studio performance of If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keys. I didn’t appreciate how rare it is to be in a studio with great musicians and producers; I didn’t understand how lucky I was to be given that opportunity.

Tell us about your turning point…

Learning I had ADHD at 42, and then my autism diagnosis at 45. It blew up everything I believed about myself. I’d held a lot of shame over the things I struggle with in life and socially, but it also helped make sense of the things I’m really good at. I used to believe that parts of me were broken; that I was a lesser human. I was also really sensitive to external stimuli and lights and sounds and smells. Just existing was exhausting, and I’d often think, “Why, after going to Coles, do you feel like you’ve been fighting for your life among a pack of bears?” With autism in women, there’s a lot of crossover in how it shows up with ADHD and, at my age, perimenopause symptoms. I used to wonder why everything upset me but the flipside is that I’m in a constant state of awe and excitement, and I’m relentlessly curious.

Advertisement

The artwork or song you wish was yours?

The financially responsible answer would be All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey but creatively, it’s Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill. It’s not really about love; it’s about swapping places with someone so they understand you better. As someone with invisible disabilities, who fears being misunderstood, it’s always resonated with me.

If you could time-travel, where would you go?

30 West 21st Street in Manhattan – the Danceteria nightclub – around 1983 [when club regular Madonna was on the cusp of stardom]. For me, that’s where pop culture began. I’ve streamed Confessions II a million times and I can confidently say it’s Madonna’s best album by a long shot. She was the first short-haired, muscular, Italian woman I saw other than myself. Madonna made me feel OK to be me, and I’ve loved her ever since.

Em Rusciano: Addicted To Love plays in Newcastle on September 4; Thirroul on September 5; Melbourne on September 18; and Sydney on September 19.

Take 7 appears in Spectrum every Saturday