DEAR DEIDRE: I CAUGHT my girlfriend naked on the sofa with my female flatmate. They were so wrapped up in each other, they didn’t even hear me come in.
I work in a bar but my real passion is being in a band. I’m a man of 32.
My girlfriend regularly watched me play and before we started dating, I would look out for her in the audience.
She would always be near the front with a few of her mates and I fancied her from the moment I saw her.
So I was delighted when she turned up at the pub I work in one evening. She recognised me straight away.
I got her a drink and we started talking. She was waiting for a friend, who then messaged to say she wasn’t going to make it, so she stayed and chatted to me while I worked.
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She told me she was 29 and worked as an estate agent, and I ended up asking her out for dinner the next day.
We started dating and within three months, she had found us a place to live together, in a shared flat.
After a while though, the cracks began to show. She got fed up with eating dinner alone while I was working at the bar, or doing a gig.
One evening, we were due to play locally but our drummer’s wife went into labour so we called it off.
I decided to go home early and surprise my girlfriend. Truth be told, I was looking forward to a night of romance.
But when I walked in, I was met with a sight I can’t unsee — my girlfriend and our female housemate pleasuring one another.
Our housemate is in her early twenties and I thought she was a shy and innocent type.
I can’t look at either of them now.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend has cheated and demonstrated that she is bisexual or perhaps a gay woman. Maybe being with you is just a front?
She was unhappy spending most evenings alone, so found someone else to keep her company.
Consider whether you really want to be with someone who would rather stray than work on their relationship.
Would you be prepared to change your work pattern, to see if you could salvage your relationship? And what commitments would she be prepared to make?
Whether you feel your relationship can survive the cheating is up to you, but it’s time for an open and honest conversation about where this leaves you both.
My support packs, Bisexual Questions and Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you think this through.
HE KEEPS WAKING ME UP FOR SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my husband leaves me so frustrated. We used to do it all the time but now it’s not like that at all.
He works as a roofer so he’s up and down ladders all day and when he gets in, he’s exhausted.
Often, he will have dinner then fall asleep and when we go to bed, he has nodded off within minutes.
But during the night, he wakes me up for sex and it’s all over within 90 seconds. I’ve told him it’s OK but really, it isn’t.
I am starting to feel like I’m being used.
Him waking me up all the time is making me feel groggy and I’m getting no pleasure from it at all. Is this what married life is all about?
DEIDRE SAYS: No. He may think you’re happy with this arrangement as you haven’t voiced your feelings. Find a quiet moment to tell him you need some healthy boundaries about your sex life.
Agree that you’ll have a couple of early nights a week for intimacy and leave enough time for you to get fully aroused.
He needs to be fair and focus on you as much as you do on him.
My support packs Understanding Female Pleasure and Want To Last Longer? wil help.
If the evenings are too tiring, insist on a half-hour earlier alarm call, and try morning intimacy.
From now on, waking you up for sex is off-limits.
SON’S OZ HOME OUT OF REACH
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been feeling so lonely after my son emigrated to Australia.
He left three years ago and, since then, I’ve seen him once. He’s so happy out there, I don’t think he’ll ever come back.
He’s 40, has an Australian girlfriend and they have a baby girl together.
He came back here last year with his partner to tell me they were expecting and I was so happy. I thought they would move back to be near our family, but no.
Now my son has asked me to visit at Christmas. I’m 70.
I didn’t work when we had our family so I get a very poor pension, which makes me worry about bills, never mind flights to Australia.
How can I tell them that I can’t afford the trip?
DEIDRE SAYS: I HAVE been feeling so lonely after my son emigrated to Australia.
He left three years ago and, since then, I’ve seen him once. He’s so happy out there, I don’t think he’ll ever come back.
He’s 40, has an Australian girlfriend and they have a baby girl together.
He came back here last year with his partner to tell me they were expecting and I was so happy. I thought they would move back to be near our family, but no.
Now my son has asked me to visit at Christmas. I’m 70.
I didn’t work when we had our family so I get a very poor pension, which makes me worry about bills, never mind flights to Australia.
How can I tell them that I can’t afford the trip?
HIS DAUGHTER IS SABOTAGING US
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M seeing my partner behind his daughter’s back because she’s ridiculously jealous of me.
She’s 16 and has got a heart condition that’s a ticking time bomb, but she often uses her health issues to her advantage.
She regularly threatens to make herself ill if she doesn’t get her own way, and she can do that easily by not taking her medication.
She’s already had heart surgery and she’s missed a lot of school but understandably, it stresses my partner out.
He is 40, and is honestly the loveliest guy. His wife sadly passed away ten years ago so for a long time, it was just him and his daughter.
We met when I joined his company and shadowed him for a few weeks. We got along like a house on fire and then decided to start dating. I’m 36 and divorced, and I don’t have any children of my own.
His daughter has now said that she’s going to take her own life unless we split up and things go back to the way they were, with just her and dad, so what can we do?
She has tried to kill herself once before and it was horrible. It’s an awful situation so our secret meetings go on without her knowing.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner and his daughter have clearly been through a lot together.
She’s lost her mum so anyone threatening that tight bond is going to be met with resistance.
It would really benefit her to strengthen friendships with those her own age.
Talk to her dad and see if there is anything he can do to facilitate those relationships which will help her independence and confidence.
Could you arrange some outings with her to build some bridges? A shopping trip for new clothes, perhaps, or a pottery-painting afternoon.
Her father can also find support for her mental health through youngminds.org.uk (0808 802 5544). The organisation supports parents as well as young people.
Monday 14 September
Sirius
2 – 0
ALL
Degerfors
Rio Ave
3 – 3
PRL
Estrela
Inter
3 – 2
Live 58′
Udinese
Leeds
3 – 0
Live HT
Newcastle
Villarreal
1 – 2
Live HT
Betis
Moreirense
2 – 0
Live 45+1′
Marítimo
Braga
0 – 0
Live 15′
Estoril
Monday 14 September
FCSB
2 – 2
L1
Petrolul 52
Rio Ave
3 – 3
PRL
Estrela
Sirius
2 – 0
ALL
Degerfors
Kayseri
4 – 0
1.L
İstanbulspor
Ypsonas
0 – 1
1.D
Aris Limassol
Djurgården
2 – 0
ALL
GAIS
Bodø/Glimt
3 – 2
ELI
Sandefjord
Standings currently unavailable.
Monday 14 September
Sirius
2 – 0
ALL
Degerfors
Rio Ave
3 – 3
PRL
Estrela
Inter
3 – 2
Live 58′
Udinese
Leeds
3 – 0
Live HT
Newcastle
Villarreal
1 – 2
Live HT
Betis
Moreirense
2 – 0
Live 45+1′
Marítimo
Braga
0 – 0
Live 15′
Estoril
Monday 14 September
FCSB
2 – 2
L1
Petrolul 52
Rio Ave
3 – 3
PRL
Estrela
Sirius
2 – 0
ALL
Degerfors
Kayseri
4 – 0
1.L
İstanbulspor
Ypsonas
0 – 1
1.D
Aris Limassol
Djurgården
2 – 0
ALL
GAIS
Bodø/Glimt
3 – 2
ELI
Sandefjord
Standings currently unavailable.