DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I’ve fallen for is so miserable in her current relationship that I think it’s time to make my move.
The only thing holding me back is I’m worried I will wreck our friendship if I tell her how I feel.
I’m 36 and I’ve known my friend, who is 34, for five years. Ever since we started working together.
We’ve always been close. We have so much in common and she’s a great listener.
Last week, we had the most intense kiss — our chemistry is crazy.
She’s been in a relationship since I’ve known her, but recently I’ve started to realise my feelings have changed.
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Whenever she hugs me I get an attack of butterflies, and when I lie in bed and think about her I find myself becoming aroused.
She really trusts me and confides in me. She’s told me her partner is very controlling.
He’s making her very unhappy, and even affecting her mental health.
And, a couple of times, she’s mentioned that she is thinking of breaking up with him.
The other day, I suggested going away for the weekend, just the two of us, to see a gig, and she agreed.
I’m hoping we get together properly, have sex and then she’ll realise her future is with me.
Yet, I also see that she needs time. I don’t want to be her rebound guy or create more complications for her.
I haven’t had a relationship for a long time and I find it hard to trust, especially after being cheated on in the past.
This woman’s friendship means so much to me and, if she doesn’t feel the same, I couldn’t bear to lose it. However, I can’t ignore my feelings.
Should I take the risk and be honest about my feelings?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to be cautious. Even if her relationship is unhappy, it doesn’t mean she’s ready to leave him, or that she wants a relationship with you.
She sees you as a close friend and confidante. Make a move, and she might feel you’ve betrayed her trust and only been her friend because you were attracted to her.
She’s vulnerable. Support her, but don’t tell her to leave him – she’s already in one controlling relationship.
If she doesn’t want to leave him, you need to respect that. But if she does end it, then give her time to recover before saying anything.
If there is still a spark between you, let her know you like her but would never want to jeopardise your friendship.
I WANTED TO BE A DAD BUT NOW I DREAM OF OLD LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife didn’t want kids, so I left her for a woman who wanted to be a mum.
But now I have the beautiful toddler I longed for, I want my wife back.
I’m 39 and walked away from my 11-year marriage to my wife, who is 40.
We were always happy together but she had no interest in having a family, which I thought was a deal breaker – especially when I met someone who desperately wanted a baby.
But since we had our little girl, my lover has changed. She goes through my phone and stops me seeing my friends. She even slapped me once during a row.
I fear I’ve made a huge mistake. All I can think about is being with my lovely wife again. But would she take me back? I don’t want to lose my daughter, either.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your new relationship brought you the child you wanted, but it’s abusive. Don’t stay because you’re scared of losing your daughter. Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t mean you can’t be a good dad.
Get legal advice about safe arrangements for co-parenting and visit mensadviceline.org.uk (0808 801 0327) to talk in confidence.
Also read my support pack, Abusive Partner. If she’s violent, call 999.
As for your ex, talk to her but don’t see her as an escape plan.
You’ve already hurt her once so it’s likely she’s moved on and, if she didn’t want a child of her own, she probably won’t want to be a stepmum either.
MY DRUG HABIT IS BAD FOR US BOTH
DEAR DEIDRE: ONLY one person has ever really been there for me, and I’m scared I’ve ruined her life.
I’ve got a serious drug habit and my mum always supports me. I’m 26 and she’s 53.
I call her to ask for cash almost every day to feed my habit. She doesn’t have it, but she always says yes.
She’s taken money from her savings, and soon she’s going to run out. I’ve tried to get support but it hasn’t worked.
Mum is the only person who cares because I am her daughter. I see the anxious look on her face and feel sick with guilt because I know I’m the cause of her stress.
I’m full of shame and scared I’ll eventually overdose. But maybe everyone would be better off without me.
How can I stop hurting my mother, and myself?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your mum loves you and wants to help you. Please don’t let your guilt convince you she’d be better off without you.
If you ever feel suicidal, or think you might overdose, call Samaritans (116 123) any time, day or night.
You need urgent help and it sounds like you’re ready to take it, which is the first step. Go to see your GP and tell them exactly how you feel. Ask for an urgent mental health and drug-treatment assessment.
Also speak to your mum and be honest. Tell her how much her support means to you, and ask her to help you get the professional expertise you need.
You can pay her back when you’re through this.
I COME SECOND TO HIS BOOZING
DEAR DEIDRE: I ADORE my boyfriend, but I fear he loves drinking more than me. When we got back together, after ten years apart, I hoped his problems were over.
Now I’m starting to think our relationship is doomed. We’re in our mid-forties and I’ve loved him for more than 20 years, since we first dated.
But I eventually walked away because I felt the bottle always came first.
Sober, he was lovely, but alcohol made him mean and argumentative.
I went on to marry someone else, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
So, I left my husband and we got back together and even had a child together. Then he started drinking again. After months of horrible arguments, we split once more.
We reunited last year. I hoped he’d matured, but that was wishful thinking. He still drinks far too much, even though he claims he’s trying to cut down. I feel unloved and taken for granted.
His sex drive is so low, he can’t get an erection. I felt so starved of affection that I bought him Viagra.
He knows his drinking is a major factor, but it doesn’t motivate him to stop. Although I’ve loved him for my entire adult life, I’m starting to think that he’ll never change. I feel so sad. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve spent two decades hoping this man will put you before alcohol. He makes the odd effort, but nothing changes.
Sadly, you can’t make him stop drinking. Only he can do that – and he has to want to. Be honest. Tell him what you need and say if he’s serious he must get professional help.
You need support too. Contact al-anonuk.org.uk (0800 0086 811), which helps people affected by someone else’s drinking.
If nothing changes, it might be time to walk away, and not waste any more of your life on him.