Sex File: Will moving in together ruin our connection in bed?Although you are most concerned about changes in the frequency of sex, you might be better off looking ahead to the impact that living together could have on your relationship more broadly Mon, 07 Sep, 2026 – 02:00Suzi Godson
I’m moving in with my new partner soon — it’s the first serious relationship for both of us since our divorces. Up until now, we’ve had sex every time we see each other, but I’m worried this has set a precedent that we won’t be able to keep up when we’re together every night. Both of us have been in sexless marriages, and I don’t want that again. How can we adjust to a less frequent schedule without affecting the relationship and our connection?
When you don’t see each other every day or sleep with each other every night, sex is an important way of reconnecting and of differentiating this relationship from all the other relationships in your life.
You get excited about meeting up. You do something nice together, whether that’s dinner out, a movie or a cosy night in together.
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You have lots and lots of sex, and you spend a large part of every day dreaming about how lucky you are to have found each other, how great it feels when you are lying in each other’s arms, and how great it will be when you can do it every night.
And then you move in together and things change. Sex definitely changes. It is inevitable. Cohabitation means you don’t need to cram your relationship into a few snatched hours, and initially at least, the excitement of 24-hour access might lead to more frequent sex.
The increase is typically fleeting, however. Research that tracked changes in sexual frequency in 161 people who had moved from dating to cohabiting across 20 months found that although cohabiting couples reported more frequent sex soon after they moved in with each other, the situation did not last.
The study, conducted in 2012 by Galena Rhoades at the University of Denver, found that levels of sexual frequency began to decline within weeks, and by the end of the first year, participants were consistently having less sex than when they didn’t live with their partner.
Right now, you and your partner are having sex every time you get together — it most likely won’t last, but that’s OK. Data from the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) shows that the median number of times that people have sex every month is three.
Natsal uses median rather than average because it gets rid of outliers — people at the extreme end of the measure. When you examine the outlier data, you see that just over 29% of men and women had no sex at all in the previous month, and 13.2% of women and 14.4% of men reported having sex 10 times or more a month.
You are probably up there in outlier territory now, but cohabitation will pull you right back towards the median.
Although you are most concerned about changes in the frequency of sex, you might be better off looking ahead to the impact that living together could have on your relationship more broadly.
In Rhoades’s study, most people said that they wanted to live together so that they could spend more time together, but the transition to cohabitation seemed to reduce relationship quality. Increased proximity often led to increased conflict.
Couples move in together for all sorts of reasons — because it feels like it’s taking the relationship to the next level, because it’s cheaper or perhaps seems more convenient.
Since you are only recently divorced and still in the honeymoon period, it could be worth interrogating your reasons.
I’m sure that you have both thought long and hard about this, but unless there is a particular reason to rush, I know which experience I would be trying to drag out for as long as possible.
- Please send your questions to [email protected]
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