DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING with my husband’s cross-dressing is a constant battleground and we have argued over it for years.
I am 43 and he is 45. We have been together for 20 years in total but he only admitted this habit to me after we had been married for 12 years.
I believed he was my best friend and soulmate, but the man I thought I knew has gone completely.
At first, he would dress up every single night in full make-up, heels, lingerie and dresses once the kids were in bed. I hated every second of it but I tried my best to accept it.
Things got worse when he wanted to bring it into our sex life, wanting to wear a corset and stockings while we made love. I completely flipped and told him he had gone too far.
Our kids, who are now teenagers, have been left confused and bewildered seeing their dad dress like this.
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They come to me cringing with embarrassment and I’ve had to fight their battles as they are too afraid to talk to him about it.
Eventually he agreed to tone down what he wears. He only wears make-up and heels in the house and women’s underwear under his jeans when he goes out in public.
He is a genuinely good man and a loving dad, but he just doesn’t understand what my problem is.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he insists he isn’t gay, doesn’t want to transition into a woman, and says he isn’t harming anyone.
He accuses me of being small-minded and says I should just accept him for who he is, but he refuses to understand the truth — that I want a normal man.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is not what you signed up for and your marriage looks nothing like the life you imagined.
It is understandable you feel overwhelmed and heartbroken when your hopes for your relationship and your children’s happiness have been so disrupted.
However, your husband’s cross-dressing stems from way back and it isn’t something he can simply switch off.
Sitting down as a family to talk about it, giving everyone the opportunity to discuss how they feel, would be better than you constantly brokering communication between your husband and children.
If a compromise can’t be reached, a separation might actually be better for you all and bring some relief.
Living with constant tension can be stressful and could damage your mental health, your husband’s wellbeing and that of your children, too.
Consider family therapy. My support packs, How Counselling Can Help, and Cross-Dressing Worries, explains more.
WORRIED HE CAN’T COMMIT
DEAR DEIDRE: WE were enjoying a drink on Sunday when my new boyfriend casually dropped the bombshell that he has already been married twice.
I’m a 29-year-old software engineer, and he is a 36-year-old secondary school teacher. We met a few weeks ago and hit it off immediately over our shared passions for photography and rock climbing.
We had just come to the end of a wonderful break in the Peak District, but I was stunned when he confessed that each of his marriages lasted less than three years.
We’re approaching our third date and, while I don’t usually stick to the three-date rule, I was considering taking things to the next level with him. Now I’m left second-guessing everything.
Am I wasting my time on a man who clearly can’t sustain a long-term relationship?
DEIDRE SAYS: Looking on the bright side, he was honest with you before things became serious.
Having two brief marriages could be unfortunate timing, a habit of rushing into commitments or unresolved issues from his past.
Rather than walking away, encourage him to open up about what caused those previous relationships to unravel.
If you can both reflect on his history and yours, and learn lessons from it, there is still every chance you could build a strong, lasting future together in this relationship.
I PROMISED PASSION BUT WAS A FLOP
DEAR DEIDRE: BEFORE sleeping with my new girlfriend I sent her some wild, steamy texts promising how great the sex was going to be.
When the moment actually came, I flopped. I set the bar way too high and I couldn’t live up to the hype.
I am 26 and she is 23. She has an incredible, model-like figure. I am absolutely head over heels for her.
We started dating soon after I ended a two-year relationship. There is no comparison between my ex and my new girl, yet I never had a single erection issue back then.
Performance anxiety has never happened to me before. I was desperate to thrill her and make a lasting impression, but now I’ve just ended up feeling mortified.
I’m really embarrassed – and scared I’ve ruined things with a girl I genuinely care about before we’ve even really got started.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t panic. It is likely that the pressure you feel is exactly because you see her as such an incredible catch.
You want to impress her, but performance anxiety crept in and ruined the moment. You need to put this down to first-time nerves rather than a lasting problem. Worrying will only start a cycle of fear and repeated failure.
You are fully capable of enjoying a fantastic, fulfilling sex life together. My support pack, Solving Erection Problems, offers self-help tips to help you overcome this.
BULLYING FAMILY WILL SPLIT US UP
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife’s relatives have made it glaringly obvious that, because I am British and she is from an ethnic minority family, I will never be accepted. I am at my wits’ end with them all.
My wife is the absolute centre of my world but her family are always trying to break us up. They bully and undermine her, and try to break her spirit on a regular basis.
The last time it happened, I couldn’t bear to see her in tears so I called her father to calmly talk about their behaviour and he just cut me off. I have not spoken to him since.
I am 35 and my wife is 34. We have been together for eight years. I would happily cut all ties with her family, but she has been conditioned to accept this toxic behaviour and feels powerless to stop it. They are flying over to the UK soon and will be staying with us. The thought of them being in our home infuriates me and I am dreading it.
I am genuinely worried that if a confrontation kicks off, I am going to end up hurt or, worse, lose my wife altogether.
They are very unpleasant people who are a law unto themselves and have zero respect for our home or relationship.
I feel trapped seeing my wife suffer, and worry that their visit might pull us apart for good.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t forget that your wife chose you, showing how strong she was by defying her relatives to build a life together.
Years of deep-rooted conditioning would make it painful for her to break away from her family, but you are a team now and you need to set firm boundaries inside your own home.
Sit down before they arrive and agree to present a united front. Both of you must insist on her relatives showing mutual respect under your roof or they will have to leave.
Like all bullies, they rely on fear and are far more likely to back down if she stands firm. While you cannot change their behaviour, you can control your own reactions.
Simply step away if they provoke you and don’t risk losing your temper.