Andy Burnham’s holiday romance is over and he’s already dumping entire ice baths on his promises

SO, it seems Britain’s new boyfriend now just wants to be friends.

Suited and booted in a tie so hideous it could only have been a gift, there was a whiff of screeching rubber in the air as Andy Burnham finally made it to the House of Commons.

And what a difference six weeks makes.

Free from the constraints of any proper scrutiny, Burnham’s summer lovin’ tour was all things to all people.

That charming lad with the pretty eyelashes promised us all the world if we just trusted him.

Those baddies Thames Water? They “should be” nationalised.

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As autumn approaches, that nice boy Andy, who was so chatty when trying to get into our knickers, now says “it’s complicated”.

He says he was going to “do politics differently”, yet suddenly the new guy sounded a lot like the old guy.

“Britain is not where any of us would wish it to be,” said our newly po-faced PM. “Things are not working as they should.”

Apparently, “life is too expensive and too hard for too many” after Brexit ruined the country, and everything is seemingly, well . . . just a bit too tricky.

Holiday romance Andy said if we let him in, he would slip us “the most significant change moment in our politics for 40 years”.

Instead, at Tuesday’s back to school reality check, he wasn’t so much pouring cold water on his promises, but dumping an entire ice bath on them.

Defence hikes? They will have to wait for not just November’s Budget, but the multi-year public spending review next year.

Let’s just hope the Russians aren’t banging on the doors of the Baltics by then.

Thames Water nationalisation? That’s just an option now after a beancounter with a big red pen must have explained the notoriously complex and dangerous idea of taking billions of debt on to the public books to him very slowly.

Flashy promises of electoral reform? Kicked into the next Parliament.

Social care fixed? Well, far from being top of the list, that’s now relegated to something Burnham “won’t leave office” without looking at.

It seems that the revolution will have to wait until stakeholders have been engaged, pens have been pushed and Labour MPs have clucked a little more.

Instead, we were treated to his big new solution to Britain’s woes: “A triple helix approach to economic development”.

So much for the straight-talking, brilliant new communicator.

What is it about this job that means politicians enter the black door of No10 and re-emerge regenerated, Stars In Their Eyes-style, spouting meaningless drivel and incomprehensible buzzwords?

Burnham had the cheek to say his Commons statement yesterday set out a “clear, coherent and credible path to growth”.

I must have blinked and missed that bit of the speech.

Of course, this was always going to be much harder than simply a change of tone and frontman. But frankly, Britain does not have time for Burnham to be learning on the job.

He was in a hurry to seal the deal and get into office, despite having watched what had happened to his predecessor who seized power without a proper plan.

But the summer is over now Prime Minister, and the storm clouds are gathering.

On Burnham’s first proper day in the job, UK borrowing costs saw their biggest one day jump in months, pushing ten-year loans to their highest price since the crash.

Liz Truss got decked when those costs hit 4.5 per cent for a few weeks in 2022.

When Labour came to power they were bumping around four per cent. Yesterday they hit 5.23.

Yes, there is global bond market carnage but once again, Britain is in the worst possible position to weather instability.

Decisions on spending and borrowing are having a direct impact on confidence in our country.

When it comes to 25-year UK government bond rates, they’re at their highest rate in nearly 30 years.

Interest rate hikes can only be a matter of time, and any headroom Burnham may have hoped for in the Budget has evaporated.

It’s hardly surprising that he was looking and sounding downbeat yesterday . . . winter is coming.

Starmer steals the thunder

FOR Sir Keir Starmer, revenge was a dish served GREEN.

Word is the ex-PM did not even bother tipping off No10 he was resigning his seat in the Commons – on the day the man who knifed him had his first big day at the office.

You could see what Burnham’s big electoral strategy was going to be . . .

Bash Brexit, hype up climate change, keep away from Trump and go hard after our ally Israel – all in a desperate bid to unite the Left and lure back some LibDem voters.

Bleeding voters to the Greens, his paint-by-numbers approach to foreign policy, so far, has been far from subtle.

And it was showing signs of life, as Zack Polanski’s party slumped and Burnham got a moderate bounce in the polls.

All while the Right remains hopelessly divided as Reform and the Tories battle for supremacy.

Inevitably, the early election chatter has simply refused to die: Burnham would be mad not take advantage of this electorally lucrative battle ground.

But now Sir Keir has thrown a mega spanner in the works.