Question

I am looking for advice on how to combat a new and unexpected loneliness that has become a feature of my life over the years since turning 30.

I’m happily married with three young children, but the responsibilities of caring and working have entirely curtailed what I now realise was quite a more social existence that I now deeply feel the lack of.

A combination of emigration, changing life stages and modern demands on the family unit mean that many of the friendships I considered important have now been reduced to occasional WhatsApp exchanges which tail off almost as soon as they have begun (with me always being the one to reach out). Many of these relationships were formed in school, and many more in college, where we lived, studied, trained and competed together across all facets of university life.

These friendships endured when I left Dublin for a job overseas, with regular contact, visits back and forth and Christmas get-togethers that myself and my (now) wife organised each year, and truly loved coming home to. However, returning home full time in 2020, and commuting to Dublin from my homeplace, has had more of an impact than I imagined – and I have been left feeling lonely ever since. Some of the friends that I feel I have lost appear to have cultivated stronger, more local friendships in the intervening time.

What I had taken to be meaningful, lasting connections were apparently more circumstantial than I believed. It hurts to feel that these relationships consistently meant more to me than to the other party, and it makes it hard to keep going back to the well with enthusiasm – only to be greeted with a hollow, conversation-ending “thumbs-up” emoji when suggesting actually meeting up.

Why community ‘fulfils our basic need to belong’ and how to find yours

As I write this, I feel I sound bitter, which is not necessarily how I am. I doubt I am intentionally being snubbed, it’s more that the energy required to make plans and follow through is deemed too much to bother with. I am simply sad because the connections have not lasted, and I feel their absence acutely.

Having had children relatively early by modern standards may have contributed, with my life now more rigid, having little room for spontaneity. My wife has had the opposite experience, with home-based friendships rekindling, and the motherhood network taking her in and supporting her as we go.

I’m truly glad for her – she is kind and caring and deserves it all, but her phone buzzing with conversations with old and new friends does sting a bit. Will this simply pass?

How technology created a ‘recipe for loneliness’

How do you even start making new friends as a man in his mid-30s with little time and lots of responsibilities? My stag party was in February 2020, and is a source of warm memories – a great group of friends all together and enjoying themselves in the moment. They couldn’t come to our pandemic-altered wedding ceremony.

Now they are busy or abroad or in a different phase of life, and I don’t know where to go.

Answer

You are highlighting the loneliness of modern living, particularly for men who have left home and become fathers.

We know that women can connect for a chat or a coffee more easily, but often men feel that it has to be an event, club or sports activity to make a connection – and this is often too difficult to organise with so little time available.

What is good is that you realise what is missing in your life and that you feel motivated to do something about it. It can happen that this feeling of disconnection is accompanied by the conviction that no one wants to spend time with us, and this can lead to us retreating and becoming bitter about what we think is abandonment. However, the feeling of loneliness is so strong that it can push us into making connection, and this is to be treasured as the fear of rejection pushes against this urge.

Our friends can be very different from us, but we still have a solid connection with them, so be open to meeting up with all types of people

Friendships require attention, and they tend to flourish when time and effort go into them. Don’t take the “thumbs up” as a dead end, but go back again and say you’ll be in the area (with your kids perhaps) and ask for some company on a Saturday morning. You already have history with your stag guys, and this can be revived if you have enough faith and conviction to keep trying to connect – remember that vulnerability is a core component of friendship, and the relationship gets deeper with honesty and openness. All men will understand the loss of friendship circles and will understand the position you are in, and most will want to be there for you, if you let them.

At a fundamental level we need to feel known and accepted, and we do not need to have this level of closeness with large numbers of people, but we absolutely need it with a few. It is easier to connect with people that we have something in common with or that we share a cause, club or belief with, but the truth is that most enduring relationships were formed simply because we shared the same space with someone for a long time – as in your case through school and university.

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

Our friends can be very different from us, but we still have a solid connection with them, so be open to meeting up with all types of people, and if you find a spark with someone, don’t be afraid to follow up with them, again and again. Doing this increases your confidence as it assumes that you are worth knowing and you also face down your fear of rejection.

Having (some) friends is fundamental to our wellbeing – and all the effort you put in now will pay dividends for the whole of your life.

  • To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email [email protected]