DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter how hard I try to move on, my ex-husband keeps reeling me back in.
I am 39, and he is 41. We met ten years ago when I was on holiday in Puerto Rico, and we fell head over heels for each other.
I was besotted with him and, as cheesy as it sounds, I really did believe he was my soulmate.
After our whirlwind romance, he moved to the UK to be with me, and we got married shortly after.
We went on to have two wonderful sons, who are now aged seven and four, and I genuinely believed that we would grow old together.
Then a year ago, out of nowhere, he told me he didn’t want to be with me any more.
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My heart was shattered, but I knew I had to try and get on with things for the sake of my kids.
The trouble is, he’s made it his mission to keep me stuck in limbo ever since.
Just when I start feeling stronger, he will turn up saying he misses me and that he still loves me. We will talk about our marriage and all the good times and often end up falling back into bed together.
Every time, I convince myself he wants me back and that there is still hope for us.
But each time, I eventually find out he is seeing someone else.
I know I’m being foolish, but when he comes back saying all the things I’ve been desperate to hear from him, I can’t think straight. I so want to believe what he says.
My friends say I need to cut him off completely and try to move on, but it’s so hard.
I know I can’t carry on like this. Is the only answer to let him go?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re caught in a painful cycle where your ex gives you hope of reconciliation, only to leave you feeling rejected all over again.
His words may be exactly what you’ve been desperate to hear, but his actions tell you something entirely different.
The only way forward is to set some firm boundaries.
Keep communication focused on your children. That’s the line – nothing about you, your social life and definitely not your previous relationship together.
This man is not offering you a future – he only wants to use you for his own convenience.
It will be difficult for you to try and put the past behind you, so lean on your friends and family whenever you feel tempted to go back to him.
My support packs, Addictive Love and Moving On, can help you break the cycle and find a way forward.
WORRIED MY DAUGHTER IS DATING A BAD APPLE AGAIN
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS relieved when my daughter met a lovely man after her messy divorce but now I’m scared he is dragging her down.
She is 31 and had a horrible time with her ex, so when this new guy came along, I was thrilled. He seemed to adore her and would always go out of his way to make her happy.
He took her on lovely dates, helped around the house and seemed to take pleasure in making her life easier.
Then little things started coming to light. First she started finding letters about missed payments, overdue bills and credit cards he had never mentioned.
Then a few weeks ago, a debt collector turned up at their door asking for him.
Now she’s called me up crying after discovering flirty messages from other women on his phone.
After everything she went through with her ex, it’s torture seeing her get hurt all over again. Every instinct is telling me to step in, but I don’t know how.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your daughter is an adult and ultimately has to make her own choices but that doesn’t mean you just have to stand by.
Try not to criticise him directly, as this could push her away from you. Instead, calmly point out the warning signs and let her know you’re worried.
She may already be having doubts, so make it clear you’re there to listen without judging her.
Family Lives can also help with parenting advice (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
FRETTING OVER HIS FRIEND REQUEST
DEAR DEIDRE: TEN years after our explosive split, my ex has requested to follow me on Instagram.
Curiosity is telling me to accept, however I can’t help but worry about what could happen if I do.
I’m 36, he’s 37, and we were together for four years in our early twenties.
From the second we met, we were obsessed with each other and the relationship became all-consuming.
There was always drama, though. One minute we’d be loved up, the next we’d be at war and the end was anything but peaceful.
Things were said, accusations were made and we both came out of the relationship furious.
Since I saw his name pop up on Instagram last week, I’ve been going round in circles about what he could possibly want from me now.
If we reconnect online, am I just inviting trouble back into my life?
DEIDRE SAYS: Before accepting his request, ask yourself what you would genuinely gain from letting your ex back into your life.
Curiosity alone isn’t a good reason to reopen a relationship that ended so badly. Think about what is right for you now, rather than getting caught up in wondering what he wants.
If you’re happy to satisfy your curiosity, accept the request and see where it goes. If you’d rather leave him in the past, you don’t owe him a response.
SEX DROUGHT IS MAKING ME SAD
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife blames the menopause for our sexless marriage, but I’m starting to wonder if her hormones are really the issue.
I’m 55, she’s 53, and we’ve been married for 21 years. We have always had a loving marriage and, until a few years ago, we had a good sex life, too.
But since we hit our fifties, our intimacy has slowly dwindled. Initially, I thought it was just a phase, but after years of constant rejection, I’m starting to wonder whether she still wants me.
Whenever I try to talk about it, she always says she’s tired or that the menopause is making her ache. The last thing I want is to pressure her into having sex but I can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t just about her hormones.
I’ve tried everything to reconnect, from planning weekends away to making more of an effort with date nights, but she always seems distant.
When we get into bed, she is scrolling on her phone and if I try to cuddle her, she will shrug me off or say she’s shattered.
I don’t expect us to have the sex life we used to have, but the lack of intimacy is getting me down.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you are struggling with the distance between you and your wife, but try not to assume it means she has lost interest in you.
Menopause can affect much more than libido, and she may be struggling with changes to her body, confidence or mood.
Talk to her honestly about how the lack of intimacy is affecting you and make it clear you want to understand what she is going through.
Counselling through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) could help you reconnect.
My support packs on Menopause and Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive offer advice on rebuilding intimacy, too.