DEAR DEIDRE: A SIMPLE request to bleed my neighbour’s noisy radiators led to a sudden, unexpected and wild affair.
She lives two doors away. She is a stunning woman in her early 40s. I am 27. She and her husband seem devoted. They are always affectionate when I see them around, holding hands and kissing.
Her husband was away on business so she knocked on my door asking if I could help her out. I am a plumber so I sorted out the air locks in no time at all.
She offered to pay me but I refused, so she opened a bottle of wine to thank me. We talked and she asked me about my girlfriend.
She seemed a bit jealous but insisted she is happily married and loves her husband.
Then she shocked me when she let slip that she wanted to have sex with me, promising that she wouldn’t tell anyone.
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She stripped down slowly right in front of me.
Her body is incredible, and I gave in completely. Since that night, we haven’t stopped.
We hook up at her place when her husband is away and meet in hotels when he is home.
She teases me in her bra from her window as I leave for work and sends dirty texts every day.
She claims she still has great sex with her husband and will never leave him.
I don’t want her to leave him either. I don’t need the drama.
Neither of us wants this to end but I am scared her husband will find out, and I know that what we’re doing is wrong.
So why does the risk and intensity feel so right for both of us?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are both allowing your lust and desire to overrule your common sense.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking this will remain a secret for ever. Unless you end this now, the fallout will be disastrous. The truth always comes out in the end.
You risk losing your girlfriend, your neighbour risks her marriage, and her husband will be devastated and furious with you both.
Neither of you wants a real future together, making the risks so reckless.
Ignore her window antics and the temptation to stray. Giving up the hot sex will hurt in the moment, but instead put your energy into your relationship with your girlfriend.
If you can’t make it work with her, find someone new who can give you what you want in a relationship.
BOYFRIEND’S ULTIMATUM OVER BABY IS SO CRUEL
DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out I was pregnant, despite being on the pill, was a shock. But when my boyfriend threatened to leave me if I had his baby, I was shattered.
We’ve been together for three years, I’m 25 and he’s a year older.
Having a family wasn’t something I was planning on just yet and, while my boyfriend was supportive at first, he changed once we looked at our finances. That’s when reality hit.
We earn too much to qualify for any government support but nowhere near enough to raise a child on our own.
Overnight, my boyfriend’s attitude did a complete U-turn. He says that if I go through with it, I will end up a single mum because he will walk away. He can choose to leave but I can’t escape any of this.
My options feel cruel – either have a termination, or quit my job, move back in with my parents, and rely on benefits.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner legally must pay child maintenance – regardless of whether he stays.
However, money doesn’t excuse his uncaring ultimatum.
Ending this pregnancy to keep him will breed deep resentment and risks destroying your relationship anyway.
Single parenting is very difficult, but the emotional pain of a termination can linger forever. Be completely certain before deciding.
My support pack Unplanned Pregnancy explains where you can talk through your options.
HUSBAND SHARED MY NUDE PHOTOS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I caught my husband sharing private, intimate photos of me with his mate, I felt completely humiliated.
I am 37 and he is 41. We were away for a weekend trip with friends recently. While we were at the hotel, my husband took out his new phone and started taking photos of me relaxing in the hot tub.
I didn’t think much of it at the time. However, later that evening in the bar, he gave his phone to his mate and asked him to help set up a photo album.
But I heard them laughing and my heart sank. I realised they were looking at the nude pictures of me. My husband claims he forgot those photos were on his phone but I am absolutely furious.
He says I am overreacting, but I cannot shake the sense of betrayal.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is understandable that you were horrified by what your husband did.
Taking intimate photos without your consent is a serious violation of your privacy and consent, whether labelled as an accident or not.
His excuse that he simply forgot about them is difficult to believe. Make it clear to him how angry you are and that if he does this again in future there will be serious consequences.
Sharing intimate images online or in person is intimate image abuse. You can learn more by looking at the Revenge Porn Helpline website (revengepornhelpline.org.uk)
FEELINGS FOR BOSS SO STRONG
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY day is a struggle at work because I can’t stop having sexual fantasies about my boss.
I am a 21-year-old guy and my boss is 35. He is confident and good-looking and constantly finding excuses for us to be alone together in the office.
We are always the first to arrive in the morning and the last to leave at night, something that I know is already causing serious suspicion among our colleagues. I have heard them whispering.
Nothing physical has happened yet, but whenever we are behind closed doors, he touches me, strokes my arms and tells me how incredible I look. He subtly hints at taking things further.
The situation is complicated because he is engaged to a woman who works in another department at our company. I know he lies to her about his schedule just so he can spend time with me.
Seeing him risk so much makes me want to take things to the next level. I know how wrong this is and the mess it could make for our careers, but the chemistry between us makes it hard to let him go.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boss is abusing his authority by crossing these lines, particularly given your age and his engagement to your colleague. If this situation comes to light, you are the one most likely to face unfair blame.
You must tell him firmly that all physical contact must end and that your relationship will be strictly professional from now on.
If possible, change your hours so you are never left alone with him.
If he refuses to respect these boundaries, contact your HR team or seek confidential advice from Acas, who help with workplace issues (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
You don’t say you identify as gay but if this is causing you any concerns, my Gay Support pack will help you.