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Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to [email protected].

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Dear Rebecca:

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I’m in my mid-40s and I’ve been engaged twice but never married. For a long time, I thought I just wasn’t the marrying kind. Maybe I’m not. But the truth is, I do want to get married and settle down.

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Some people blame me for the fact that neither engagement worked out. They think I’m too picky or afraid of commitment. After two failed engagements, sometimes I wonder if they’re right. I also wasn’t raised to see marriage as this great thing everyone should want. I never really saw the benefits of it or had a good example of what a happy marriage looks like.

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I thought I was in love with both of my former fiancés. I said yes to marrying them. But obviously something made me change my mind. People always say, “When you know, you know.” Well, I thought I knew — twice. I have no problem meeting people, and I don’t want to keep walking away from good men because I’m waiting for some huge feeling that may never come. But I also don’t want to marry someone just because I’m in my 40s and feel like I should.

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So, how do you actually know when you’re in love enough to settle down with someone? You found love later in life — do you really just know? Or is the problem me? — How Do You Know?

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Dear How Do You Know:

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I didn’t know there was a “marrying kind.” Is there a questionnaire? With a section asking whether you can spend the next 40 years arguing over the room temperature?

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You want to get married. That makes you the marrying kind. You just haven’t married anyone yet.

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I recently read that more than nine million Americans have been married at least three times. Three! More than a quarter of coupled Canadians between 35 and 64 are in subsequent marriages or common-law relationships. So, millions are allowed multiple attempts at finding their person. Yet, a woman in her 40s who has never been married is treated as if that is a personality trait.

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People are idiots. I happen to believe there is someone for everyone. I also don’t believe you just get one shot.

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I believe there are people who fit us in a way other people don’t. Some people meet their forever person in high school. Some meet them at 43. Some marry the wrong person at 23 and meet the right one at 53.

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I was 49 when I married after a rather impressive run of relationships suggesting I absolutely should never get married. Like you, I wondered whether I lacked whatever internal wiring makes people want to get married.