The quality of our mental health is related to the quality of our relationships. When we are connected to our families and a network of friends, this creates a satisfying life and increases our wellbeing.

When facing challenges, we can draw support from good relationships and we cope much better than if we were alone.

Of course, the reverse is true when relationships are going badly. Our mental health can suffer if we feel isolated or if we are in toxic or negative relationships. Then we have less capacity to cope with daily life and even minor challenges can shatter our mental health or push us over the edge.

Creating supportive relationships is no easy feat and maintaining them can be even harder. All supportive relationships can be degraded by neglect, conflict or stress. As a family psychotherapist, my work is primarily about helping troubled relationships get back on track. This is usually about encouraging mutual understanding, supporting people to reconnect and facilitating communication around needs and boundaries.

In my work, I have always been struck by the impact of stressful events on relationships. Job loss, illness and bereavement can all negatively impact close relationships. When stress is enormous and unprocessed this can lead to fracture and drive families apart. People can end up fighting and blaming each other and not fighting the external problems that beset them.

However, external stresses can sometimes have the opposite impact on relationships. Stressful events can also bring people together and deepen their understanding and co-operation. In my experience the key is developing a compassionate understanding of the other. We can easily blame our partner when things go wrong and feel they have burdened us. Even when they are not at fault for events, we can blame them for their reactions. They may not be responsible for losing their job, but their increased irritability or drinking to cope is their fault.

Learning to maintain a compassionate understanding of the other person during challenges or hard times is the basis of co-operation. Even if couples don’t stay together, developing mutual understanding can be so important. A lot of my work is supporting separated parents, as they move beyond the trauma that drove them apart to develop a co-operative co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children.

Facing global crisis

One of the striking features of the intensifying climate and environmental crises we are facing is how they have led to increased polarisation in society. People are divided into “left-wing” or “right-wing” camps, or classed as being “pro-environment” or “pro-business”. Arguments abound about who is to blame for our problems, whether it is the fossil fuel companies, the wrong government or too many migrants.

Even people on the “same side” can end up fighting and falling out. Social media is particularly responsible for stoking rows and conflict – bad-news stories of conflict and hatred ensure more internet attention than good-news stories of understanding and co-operation.

Although Ireland has, so far, been spared some of the intensifying vitriol of these arguments, in many countries such as the USA, they are leading to violence and society breakdown. Many communities are rigidly polarised around being on the right or wrong side of the argument and many people can no longer speak to family members who hold the wrong view. In his book Breaking Together, Jem Bendell describes how the stress of collapsing economic systems can lead to personal and collective breakdown. He describes how we can face these crises in a more open-minded and open-hearted way, focused on relationships and building community. We can choose to break together rather than break apart.

Community building and creating consensus

As our collective crises intensify, learning to maintain relationships and build community will be as important as reducing emissions, restoring nature and building resilience. In fact, nothing can be done unless we continue to work together. An important part of this is learning how to co-operate with people with whom you strongly disagree.

Below are five steps I use all the time in my clinical practice. The central part of this process is attending to emotions and relationship and not just arguing about the issues in contention.

  • Acknowledge the feelings of the other person – “it sounds like you are worried about …”
  • Ask positive questions that might open common ground – “how do you hope things might be different? How do you think what you are proposing will make things better”
  • Appreciate something that you agree with or a strength in what they are saying – “I agree that we need to …” or “I like your idea to …”
  • Offer your alternative respectfully – “I see things a little differently … let me explain”
  • Explore common ground or points of co-operation – “how can we make our community a better place?”

Of course, communication like this can be very challenging, especially when there are power differences or when trauma has damaged people or when people are acting unreasonably.

However, these steps can provide a good place to start when resolving conflict with our family and neighbours and for the people we will depend upon when the chips are down.

Setting intentions

A common journal exercise is to write down your goals for the next day or the next week. The key to making goals work is to make them small and achievable and linked to what you really want. When supporting people as a therapist, I often make the distinction between goals (focused on specific outcomes and actions) and intentions (focused on your attitude and how you want to respond). Creating good intentions is not dependent on specific outcomes and centre you on how want to be in the world and how you want to respond no matter what challenges arise.

For example, you can set the intention to be peaceful and attentive as you go about your day or co-operative and kind as you interact with others.

Write down your main intention for today:

How do you want to be today despite what challenges might arise?

How do you want to be in your relationships with others today?

How do you want to respond to conflicts that might arise?