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Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to [email protected].

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Dear Rebecca:

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I have so many people in my life who express what a good listener I am and what a great time or conversation we have together. These comments leave me feeling confused. About a year ago, I started to pay attention to whether our dialogue, whether one-to-one or in a group, was reciprocal. It is not. No one asks me a single question. If I ask, “Would you like to hear about my darling, or my grandchildren, or where my time is spent?” they will say “yes.” However, no one, and I mean no one, asks.

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I ask about everything and keep the conversation moving. I care about all these people, yet I am no longer interested in one-way talk streets. And if I don’t organize us getting together, we don’t. I am truly wondering what value there is for me to continue in these relationships.

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I don’t think they would miss me, and I wonder if I would miss them. Or am I the one missing something entirely? — Always Waiting For My Turn

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Dear Always Waiting For My Turn:

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Being a good listener is a bit like being too good at washing dishes. Once people find out, you’re somehow always expected to do them.

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I understand why people tell you you’re a good listener. You make people feel interesting and comfortable enough to tell you things. It’s a lovely quality. People love people who make them feel fascinating.

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But, as you’ve discovered, it can also be exhausting.

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Being a good listener seems to have turned into being the one who does all the listening. You say you’re a good conversationalist. The irony is you barely get to converse.

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I understand why that hurts. You feel invisible and unappreciated. It’s hard not to wonder if your friends value you or simply value being cared for by you.

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You can spend two hours over lunch learning that your friend’s sex life is dead, her cat has gastrointestinal issues, she’s increased her Ozempic dosage and why she will never fly Air Canada again, only to realize when the cheque arrives she never once asked, “So, what’s up with you?”

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Now, salad.

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About a decade ago, I developed a completely unscientific way to measure whether a conversation is reciprocal: the Salad Test. If my friend finishes lunch and my plate is still full, I did most of the talking. If hers is untouched, she did. If we finish at roughly the same time, congratulations. We’ve achieved that increasingly rare social phenomenon known as a conversation.

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Try it at your next lunch. Before the bill comes, point to her full plate and ask, “See anything interesting here?”

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But you’re not asking me why your friends don’t ask you questions. You’re asking if you stopped doing all the listening and organizing, whether these friendships would still exist.